A random thought…
A particular scene has been playing in my head over and over, powered by nothing but my over-active imagination. Set in the 90s (for absolutely no reason at all) a child arrives at the beach and in true child-like fashion, runs towards the water and jumps in and plays in all its glory. Not far from there someone in need of water walks towards the same ocean with a little less delight, bucket in hand, whistling and taking great care not to get wet. They fill their bucket and immediately they leave.
“what about this theory. the fear of not being enough. and the fear of being ‘too much.’ are exactly the same fear. the fear of being you.” –@nayyirahwaheed
After sometimes struggling with both these fears, the reason for this analogy is this.. a lot of the time this is a representation of the different ways in which we relate to different people in our lives. Not everyone is interested in your entirety. Not everyone, like the child, will dive right in and take delight in all that you are. Others just bring a bucket. Not everyone will just call because they delight in you. The people that just beam with joy at all that you are, are very rare jewels.
“Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it”, – John Eldredge
Lately I’ve been taking a closer look at how I relate to the people around me. I want deeper connections, I want to know what makes them tick, what makes them smile, what drives them.. the list goes on. I’m becoming more careful not to consume them in carefully packed portions and learning that I deserve the same.
Sometimes the feeling of being too much and the feeling of not being enough are just claustrophobia… the ocean that you are can’t fit in a bucket. Allow yourself to roar, let your waves tower up in all their splender and observe those who cherish the view.