One of the most vivid memories I have from my childhood is the time I took a ride in an ambulance. The part that stuck with me most was the driver’s style of driving. It probably would not catch my eye now but at the time I remember being utterly gobsmacked. I instantly became obsessed with learning how to drive and not just to drive, but to do it like him. He had given me a reference point.

Children learn to smile from their parents.
– Shinichi Suzuki

As kids, being keen little observers, we grow up trying emulate the examples we see around us. We want to go beyond what our heroes are doing. But what happens, however, when there is no reference ? What happens when you find yourself thrown into a role you have never seen being played in your own life ? What happens when you find yourself with a family when you have never seen a wholesome family model at work in your own life ? What happens when you find yourself married yet you haven’t seen the role of a husband being played in your own life ?

Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.

– Carl Jung

  • Find a reference

There is no harm in getting some inspiration from those around you. Watch and learn from those who are doing it right. Let someone who has gone through it hold your hand and guide you. The temptation to isolate yourself may be strong but there is much to be learnt from those who have scars from fighting the same battles you are facing.

  • Be the reference

You’re gonna have to roll up your sleeves and be the example you wish you had. You’ll have to embrace the idea of being to others what you wish you had. It is possible to grow up fatherless yet not lose the father in you. You have it in you to create a reality you may not have seen yet.

I wrote a book on life coaching, because my life became my own reference point how to live. – Anupam Kher

I’m usually a jester but this topic usually visits my mind accompanied by a melancholy mood. I think of those that have grown up in orphanages very seldom experiencing the feeling of family. I think of the nomads that grew up hopping from house to house without the feeling called ‘home’. And so I step out, a rebel of sorts, with nothing more than a packet of hot-cross buns and my imagination ready to create what my heart perceives to be what I should have seen.